Beautiful Mess

We are trying to get settled in our new home. Just about the time it starts looking good we have something worked on and it gets torn up again. This past week we had the kitchen counters replaced with granite and the tile back splash removed. The tilers will not be here to redo the back splash for a week and let me tell you the tore up drywall that is there not is not to pretty. They made a huge mess. there is peaces of chipped up tile all over the place and the drywall dust is all in my cabinets and drawers. Oh well in the end it will be worth it.

We are also having our fence replaced. They tore it down and then Texas got a massive amount of rain so we have had a opened back yard for the past week. Not so good when you have two little dogs and the next door neighbors have a German Shepherd.

We are packing up today to leave for Florida tomorrow. I cannot wait to see my family. Especially my sisters. I miss them so bad it hurts. My daughter will be getting engaged while we are down there. New Years eve. That's when me and my husband got engaged. Cute hu? We will all be down there for a few weeks then everyone but me and my sweet 7 year old will go back to Texas. Me my 7 year old and my oldest daughter Charlotte are going to my moms for a few days and then me and Charlotte are going on a mini road trip. Can't wait. I will be away from home for a month. What a pity!! ;-)

My 7 year old Jillian is so precious. She is very concerned about other peoples feelings and can't stand it if she thinks someone is hurt. I can't believe how big she is getting. What a gift she is! I am so glad God picked me to be her mom.

Think on These Things

Lately I have had to fight to keep my thoughts on what is good. I wish this came easy for me. I have always struggled with anxiety and fear. I hate that part of my personality. I know God has my life in his hands and that whatever I go through he is with me and yet my thoughts continue to revert back to stinkin thinkin. God has brought me here to the state of Texas for a purpose. I'm not sure what it is but the other day while I was standing in my back yard I saw my neighbor. I felt the lord say to me " She is one of the reasons you are here". I am not an outgoing person. I don't feel confident around new people. So this will be out of my comfort zone. I have found God calling me out of that comfort zone more and more lately. I want to serve God and not complain the entire time I'm doing it. Lord help me show my neighbor love and may she see you in me.

I have all 4 of my girls under one roof for 2 weeks! I am a happy mama. I had a Dr.visit today that I feared would bring me bad news. It didn't. It was really good news. I am so thankful. My prayer today is for God to help me take my life one day at a time and get all the goody out of every day I live instead of worrying about things that could happen but usually never do. I am my own worst enemy.

God is faithful even when we aren't!! So thankful for that.

Never a Dull Moment

We have closed the door on our baby girl. We could not put her through anymore time in foster care and we decided to withdraw our application for adoption. She will be going to her aunt. This was not an easy discussion. We talked about this with the GAL and he was in agreement. The court system would take another 4-6 months just to get her here on a temporary basis and then it wouldn't be a for sure thing. Foster care is not a good place for her and we felt like this was the best for her future. So the door to fostering in our home is officially shut. Bitter sweet.

We are getting settled in here in Texas finally. Lots of changes but most of them good. The only thing I miss about Florida is my family and the beach. The change was needed, but not a very comfortable transition I must say. Change never is easy but most of the time necessary. Things are not always what they seem. This seems to be a lesson I am learning at the present moment. One thing that is constant is God. He never changes. Think I will stick to pleasing him and not worry about anybody else. That should keep me busy.

We had all of my husbands family here for a few weeks and had a blast. 14 people under one roof and we didn't kill each other. His 86 year old grandma went tubing with us down a river. She is always ready to try anything. I love her.

That's about all that's going on right now.

Panic Attacks Suck

Back a few weeks ago I had just took a shower and was relaxing on my back patio that overlooks the golf course. Everything was wonderful. Until...... My heart skipped a few beats and then began pounding out of my chest. I was overcome with fear and began to shake uncontrollably. My daughter called 911 and they hauled me off to the ER. After an EKG and some blood work the doctor came in and said " All of your test turn out normal. Are you under any stress?" It took all I had not to grab the mans necktie and pull his face inches from mine and school him on the events of the last year.

It has been a good year in many ways but one that is has been filled with loss. My sweet daughter has suffered two miscarriages, we sold our home in Florida and moved away from all of our family. I had to give up a little boy that I fostered for a year. He went back to his mother. That was a good thing but still we had to go through missing him. I noticed marks on a little girl that we had fostered before that had gone to live with her aunt. When she came back I took her to the Dr. and showed her the marks and she said they looked suspicious. So we got the state involved and they investigated and found that the aunt had beaten her with a rubber ruler. I cant tell you how angry and stressed that made me.

We lived separated from my husband from June until December due to a baby that we were fostering and were potentially going to adopt. I and my girls have made 10 car trips back and forth between Texas and Florida since June just to keep our family somewhat together while waiting on the state to file what is called an ICPC so that the baby could live with us in Texas. That was never filed and then the aunt in law came into the picture. She has filed for a divorce and so when that goes through she is no more related to the baby than me. We will see how this ends but in the mean while I'm just trying to keep from having any more melt downs.
My fostering days are over. I cannot take anymore of the crapola that the state dishes out.
ALL DONE!!!

And to Think That These People Are Educated

I am sitting in my living room in Fort Worth. Kitchen all clean after a great dinner cooked by my daughter. My husband is upstairs working on my other daughters computer. My mom is visiting for a few weeks. Everything is going pretty normal. EXCEPT for the 13 month old baby girl sleeping in the nursery upstairs. I went all the way to Florida to find out that court was cancelled and that the judge wants both home studies done before he makes a decision. I also received an order to bring my baby girl home with me for 3 weeks. We have to take her back after that and then the aunt ( once removed) will get her for 3 weeks. I don't think that this arrangement is in her best interest but nobody cares what I think. This poor baby deserves a permanent home. I will be glad when she has one. This visit is wonderful but insane at the same time. I could be living in the KOA camp ground as far as the state of Florida knows but they allow me to take her off no questions asked. We jumped through some mighty big hoops in Florida to find a way to keep her with us with no success. I will never figure them out!!

Still Waiting

We are headed back to Florida this coming Sunday. May 3rd is the day the judge decides between our family and the aunt ( in law once removed). I am hoping that he chooses us but not expecting it. The grandmother of the babies half sibling tells me I need to speak it. That there is power in the word and that I need to claim that I am that babies mother. What I believe is that I trust in Gods hand on my life and the life of that baby. I am asking him to have his way in this and that he help me be happy even if his way doesn't match my desire to be her mom. I am ready for this to be over. We are becoming licensed for foster/adoption here in the state of Texas. It is very different from my experience in Florida. Not sure if it's a good thing or a bad one. I've said a million times that I will never foster again. I guess when it comes down to it this is my ministry. It's what God has placed in my heart to do and though it is not always fun, it is always rewarding to feel like I am doing what I've been called to do. I am going to try not to complain so much while I'm doing it this time. The children are not the problem, it's the system that causes most of the complaining.

Better Than Winning the Lottery

I received a text yesterday from the GAL in Florida about our baby girl. He said that he would be recommending to the judge that our family be the ones to adopt her. We have to wait until April 11 before we know the final decision. I am praying we get to be her forever family. I have missed her so much. She just turned a year old on March 27. Needless to say we will have a huge birthday bash for her. I have already bought her outfit months ago in hopes we would be with her. I have all of her Christmas presents still rapped and ready for her. This has been hard on my family and we have spent a ton of money going back and forth from Texas to Florida but it will be worth it all if she gets to come home. This is going to make the aunt, ( not blood related, only by marriage and they are getting a divorce) is not going to be a happy girl. But she didn't show up until the last minute and her home situation is not stable. I love, love, love that baby.