Beautiful Mess

We are trying to get settled in our new home. Just about the time it starts looking good we have something worked on and it gets torn up again. This past week we had the kitchen counters replaced with granite and the tile back splash removed. The tilers will not be here to redo the back splash for a week and let me tell you the tore up drywall that is there not is not to pretty. They made a huge mess. there is peaces of chipped up tile all over the place and the drywall dust is all in my cabinets and drawers. Oh well in the end it will be worth it.

We are also having our fence replaced. They tore it down and then Texas got a massive amount of rain so we have had a opened back yard for the past week. Not so good when you have two little dogs and the next door neighbors have a German Shepherd.

We are packing up today to leave for Florida tomorrow. I cannot wait to see my family. Especially my sisters. I miss them so bad it hurts. My daughter will be getting engaged while we are down there. New Years eve. That's when me and my husband got engaged. Cute hu? We will all be down there for a few weeks then everyone but me and my sweet 7 year old will go back to Texas. Me my 7 year old and my oldest daughter Charlotte are going to my moms for a few days and then me and Charlotte are going on a mini road trip. Can't wait. I will be away from home for a month. What a pity!! ;-)

My 7 year old Jillian is so precious. She is very concerned about other peoples feelings and can't stand it if she thinks someone is hurt. I can't believe how big she is getting. What a gift she is! I am so glad God picked me to be her mom.

Think on These Things

Lately I have had to fight to keep my thoughts on what is good. I wish this came easy for me. I have always struggled with anxiety and fear. I hate that part of my personality. I know God has my life in his hands and that whatever I go through he is with me and yet my thoughts continue to revert back to stinkin thinkin. God has brought me here to the state of Texas for a purpose. I'm not sure what it is but the other day while I was standing in my back yard I saw my neighbor. I felt the lord say to me " She is one of the reasons you are here". I am not an outgoing person. I don't feel confident around new people. So this will be out of my comfort zone. I have found God calling me out of that comfort zone more and more lately. I want to serve God and not complain the entire time I'm doing it. Lord help me show my neighbor love and may she see you in me.

I have all 4 of my girls under one roof for 2 weeks! I am a happy mama. I had a Dr.visit today that I feared would bring me bad news. It didn't. It was really good news. I am so thankful. My prayer today is for God to help me take my life one day at a time and get all the goody out of every day I live instead of worrying about things that could happen but usually never do. I am my own worst enemy.

God is faithful even when we aren't!! So thankful for that.

Never a Dull Moment

We have closed the door on our baby girl. We could not put her through anymore time in foster care and we decided to withdraw our application for adoption. She will be going to her aunt. This was not an easy discussion. We talked about this with the GAL and he was in agreement. The court system would take another 4-6 months just to get her here on a temporary basis and then it wouldn't be a for sure thing. Foster care is not a good place for her and we felt like this was the best for her future. So the door to fostering in our home is officially shut. Bitter sweet.

We are getting settled in here in Texas finally. Lots of changes but most of them good. The only thing I miss about Florida is my family and the beach. The change was needed, but not a very comfortable transition I must say. Change never is easy but most of the time necessary. Things are not always what they seem. This seems to be a lesson I am learning at the present moment. One thing that is constant is God. He never changes. Think I will stick to pleasing him and not worry about anybody else. That should keep me busy.

We had all of my husbands family here for a few weeks and had a blast. 14 people under one roof and we didn't kill each other. His 86 year old grandma went tubing with us down a river. She is always ready to try anything. I love her.

That's about all that's going on right now.

Panic Attacks Suck

Back a few weeks ago I had just took a shower and was relaxing on my back patio that overlooks the golf course. Everything was wonderful. Until...... My heart skipped a few beats and then began pounding out of my chest. I was overcome with fear and began to shake uncontrollably. My daughter called 911 and they hauled me off to the ER. After an EKG and some blood work the doctor came in and said " All of your test turn out normal. Are you under any stress?" It took all I had not to grab the mans necktie and pull his face inches from mine and school him on the events of the last year.

It has been a good year in many ways but one that is has been filled with loss. My sweet daughter has suffered two miscarriages, we sold our home in Florida and moved away from all of our family. I had to give up a little boy that I fostered for a year. He went back to his mother. That was a good thing but still we had to go through missing him. I noticed marks on a little girl that we had fostered before that had gone to live with her aunt. When she came back I took her to the Dr. and showed her the marks and she said they looked suspicious. So we got the state involved and they investigated and found that the aunt had beaten her with a rubber ruler. I cant tell you how angry and stressed that made me.

We lived separated from my husband from June until December due to a baby that we were fostering and were potentially going to adopt. I and my girls have made 10 car trips back and forth between Texas and Florida since June just to keep our family somewhat together while waiting on the state to file what is called an ICPC so that the baby could live with us in Texas. That was never filed and then the aunt in law came into the picture. She has filed for a divorce and so when that goes through she is no more related to the baby than me. We will see how this ends but in the mean while I'm just trying to keep from having any more melt downs.
My fostering days are over. I cannot take anymore of the crapola that the state dishes out.
ALL DONE!!!

And to Think That These People Are Educated

I am sitting in my living room in Fort Worth. Kitchen all clean after a great dinner cooked by my daughter. My husband is upstairs working on my other daughters computer. My mom is visiting for a few weeks. Everything is going pretty normal. EXCEPT for the 13 month old baby girl sleeping in the nursery upstairs. I went all the way to Florida to find out that court was cancelled and that the judge wants both home studies done before he makes a decision. I also received an order to bring my baby girl home with me for 3 weeks. We have to take her back after that and then the aunt ( once removed) will get her for 3 weeks. I don't think that this arrangement is in her best interest but nobody cares what I think. This poor baby deserves a permanent home. I will be glad when she has one. This visit is wonderful but insane at the same time. I could be living in the KOA camp ground as far as the state of Florida knows but they allow me to take her off no questions asked. We jumped through some mighty big hoops in Florida to find a way to keep her with us with no success. I will never figure them out!!

Still Waiting

We are headed back to Florida this coming Sunday. May 3rd is the day the judge decides between our family and the aunt ( in law once removed). I am hoping that he chooses us but not expecting it. The grandmother of the babies half sibling tells me I need to speak it. That there is power in the word and that I need to claim that I am that babies mother. What I believe is that I trust in Gods hand on my life and the life of that baby. I am asking him to have his way in this and that he help me be happy even if his way doesn't match my desire to be her mom. I am ready for this to be over. We are becoming licensed for foster/adoption here in the state of Texas. It is very different from my experience in Florida. Not sure if it's a good thing or a bad one. I've said a million times that I will never foster again. I guess when it comes down to it this is my ministry. It's what God has placed in my heart to do and though it is not always fun, it is always rewarding to feel like I am doing what I've been called to do. I am going to try not to complain so much while I'm doing it this time. The children are not the problem, it's the system that causes most of the complaining.

Better Than Winning the Lottery

I received a text yesterday from the GAL in Florida about our baby girl. He said that he would be recommending to the judge that our family be the ones to adopt her. We have to wait until April 11 before we know the final decision. I am praying we get to be her forever family. I have missed her so much. She just turned a year old on March 27. Needless to say we will have a huge birthday bash for her. I have already bought her outfit months ago in hopes we would be with her. I have all of her Christmas presents still rapped and ready for her. This has been hard on my family and we have spent a ton of money going back and forth from Texas to Florida but it will be worth it all if she gets to come home. This is going to make the aunt, ( not blood related, only by marriage and they are getting a divorce) is not going to be a happy girl. But she didn't show up until the last minute and her home situation is not stable. I love, love, love that baby.

I'm a Texan

I now live in Fort Worth Texas. We moved here December 25. I know, a lovely day to move right? I am still adjusting. I have lived in Florida my entire life. I've gone to the same church for the past 15 years and frankly I needed a change. The only thing I am missing about Florida is my family that still lives there.

We are waiting to find out if the GAL in Florida is going to recomend to the court for our family to adopt the baby girl we had down there since birth. We had to leave her due to some errors made by the agency we fostered through. Go figure. I would be surprised if they pick us. The easier choice is the aunt ( soon to be no relation to the baby due to a divorce) they can just give her permanent gaurdianship and not have to pay for an adoption. Idiots!

Deep in the heart of Texas

Wow, it's been forever since I have posted anything. We are currently in Texas at my husbands apartment. Yes people you heard me right, My husbands apartment. That always gets peoples attention. He is out here for his job and will continue to be for an undetermined amount of time. So we came out for this month and love it here. He is only able to come home to Florida once a month. Not loving that!! We will be back out here again for a few weeks in November.

In the world of foster care lots have changed. We still have our boy. He was 1 on the 17th. We also have a 5 month old little girl that we have had since she was 7 days old. They are in respite care while we have been gone. I miss them both so much. The baby girl is with my best friend who is also crazy and a foster parent. The boy is with another foster family. His mother would never give us the OK to take him out of state. She don't like us much you know. I have shopped soooo much for those two since Ive been out here. Can't wait to see them in the new clothes.

We have a staffing for the baby girl next Monday. They are going to be changing her case plan goal from reunification to adoption. I hope we are the ones that are blessed to be her parents. I love that girl sooo much. Our boy's case plan goal is still reunification. He has almost been with us a year. I hope if his mother is going to get him back she does it soon. I would rather him just stay with us for the next 18-20 years. Then she can have him back. Just in time to pay for college.

Yes, I know I'm nice like that.

Life is good. I am enjoying my family and trying to thank God a lot more for them. Right now I feel like I'm his favorite. The picture shows you why I might think that!!

Where did everybody go?

Have I mentioned I stink at blogging? Well for the two of you that use to follow my sad little blogging I apologize. Life is busy I ......am lazy. Nothing else to say about that.

We are still fostering. Right now we have a little boy 7 months old that is the cutest brown bear you could ever imagine. I could and have eat his face!! His sister is with her bio aunt but the boy is not related to the aunt so he stays with me for now. The aunt says she will take him on the weekends and eventually full time. We will see. Not holding my breath.

My oldest girl has been married a year this month. She and her husband are in Kansas City for now while he is in Law school. I miss her but I think I have adjusted pretty well. Life is good. I am going to try my best to keep up with the daily blogging. It drives me crazy when other people don't update theirs daily. I'm still dying to find out what happened to Owen.......you know who you are!! ;-)

A Day Of Fun

Today I went for my yearly bit of fun at the gyn. Followed by a lovely mammogram. I hate this time of year. It is torment!!!! And I worry for weeks before I go and then feel sick until I get the good report. I don't like this part of myself. I want to be one of those people that just assume everything is fine instead of worrying about what if it's not. Makes me feel stupid.

I have a 31/2 month old baby girl. She is so precious!! So far she is a really good baby. Lets hope it stays that way. I am going to be homeschooling my 5 year old this year. I have never home schooled elementary grades, only middle and high school. I am excited, I love to spend time with her. She loves to learn.

My weekend away with my husband was sooooooo wonderful. I am realizing what an amazing husband I have. I am also realizing how I have taken him for granted and I'm really praying and asking God to make me the wife he deserves. I am thankful for a man that puts his family before himself.

10 more pounds!! That is all I have to be at my goal weight and it might as well be 50. I am so close but I am finding it hard to get motivated again. Dang chocolate!!

Two for One

Since my last post my sweet little girl that was placed with me left to go home and now I have two, two year olds. Yes as a matter of fact I AM crazy. I was going to the DCF office to pick up one and then my phone rang and well you know what happens when your a foster parent and the phone rings! One is just until her foster mom comes back from vacation and the other is for two weeks until a group home opens up so that she can be with her siblings. Did I mention one of these children speaks NO English? Have I mentioned I speak NO Spanish? Theres a whole lot of sign language going on here.

I really miss my girl. She called me yesterday and I cried like the idiot I am. I am happy that she is enjoying herself and I know she will love going to school. I just wish she were close enough for me to get a hug from more than 3-4 times a year. ( stupid boy, stole my girl!!)

I will have a little peace and quiet today. One of the babies has visitation with her mother so the caseworker is coming to pick her up at 11:30 and she will be gone until 2:30. I plan to make a mad rush around the house to clean the things I haven't been able to get to since the dynamic duo got here. Makes me tired to think about it.

A new placement

Friday night about 10:00 pm the licensing agent called and asked if I could take a little girl for the weekend that had been left alone in a hotel room. Needless to say I said yes. I had just
cried my eyes out and told my oldest daughter goodbye ( she is moving with her husband to Missouri to attend school ) about 10 minutes earlier. God has WONDERFUL timing. I have never been one that had a great amount of confidence in my abilities to do pretty much anything, accept be a mother. I know I am definitely not perfect at it by any means, but I do feel like God has helped me love my children the way I want to love them. I will probably have to say goodbye to this sweet little girl Monday after the hearing and I am sure I will cry but I am so glad that I had the opportunity to love her while I could. She is from out of state and will return to her area. If you remember say a prayer for her and her sibling that they will be in a loving home that will make them feel as special as they are.

My husband is home thank the Lord!!!! I don't like the single parent thing at all. We are going away in two weeks for our birthdays to a resort here in Orlando. OK so it's not really going away when you aren't leaving the town you live in but it will be a change of scenery. Can't wait!!

Brace yourself

We are licensed for foster care. It only took them a year to re license us. Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Now the fun begins. My oldest daughter leaves Saturday morning. She is moving to Kansas City for her husband to attend Law school. She will be attending IHOP school of music. So proud of them but not loving the distance.



My darling husband has been traveling a little too much. Not loving his new job so much. Great for him. Hotel, big food allowance and lots of time to himself. Trying not to be bitter and resent him for leaving. I know it's not his fault, but I never wanted to be a single parent. I am lonely when he is gone and feel like the maid. Not possible to have any time to myself when he is gone and when he is home I don't want to do anything without him. I am not someone that needs a lot of me time but I think I am in need of some soon. Enough complaining!!!!



Got a new car!!! A nerdy mommy van. I love it though. It is so much more comfortable than the Jeep we had. Leather seats thank the lord, so that the baby barf will come off easily. Yeah!!

I am sitting in my living room ...... alone. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! No one is home but me and Jillian and she is taking a nap. I have been busy sewing bumper pads, dust ruffles and trying to get ready for our new baby. We should get a placement soon and I want to be ready and not have these projects looming over my head.

I am also keeping busy so that I don't have to many chances to think about my oldest daughter moving away next month. Not looking forward to having to have a long distance relationship with someone I love as much as I love that girl. I guess I will learn how as I really have no choice HU? ( Caleb your evil!!)

That's all there is to tell today. If I can get all of this stuff done I will post some pictures. Don't hold your breath.

Stressed

Well this blogging thing use to be my therapy but since my nosey son in law, ( yes you know who you are!!) found my blog I don't feel free to express my feelings. Nothing I would write about him I love him but lets face it, some things he just doesn't need to know. So what should I do? Rip his arm off and beat him to death with it you say? I've thought of that but he needs both of them to wait on my daughter hand and foot. ( she is a princess you know!?)

I guess I should have made this thing by invite only. Any suggestions?? No boy, that doesn't include you!!

Open Letter To Walmart aka Armpit of America

Dearest Walmart,

This letter is to inform you that I am sick and tired of asking your employees a question only to get a half cocked smile and a nod. Do any of the people stocking shelves speak English? If I yelled " Immigration" at the top of my lungs would they all run for the exits? Don't get me wrong I am not against people from another country coming here and making a life and a living for themselves. I am however against said people being put in a position to work with the public and not be able to communicate. Hhhhhhh!!

Also could you please inform your male employees that it is NOT OK to stare at my teenage daughter. I have been to prison ( OK I was just visiting someone ) and I am not afraid to go back. I will slap the taste right out of your mouth for you!! By the way the deodorant is found in the pharmacy area...just so ya know. While your there you might by a toothbrush and some toothpaste. I'm just saying.

On the subject of your shopping carts ( better know to us southern girls as a buggy )
Do they ALL pull to the left and say cuchuga, cuchuga, cachuga, when you push them? Do you buy them new with these features? Maybe your sticker passer outers could wipe a little disinfectant over the handle bars instead of giving the stank eye to everyone that crosses their path. I feel like I need to put a hazmat suit on my baby every time we shop there and I have to put her in the cart, especially now with the hog fever on the rampage.

I must close this letter now as I am late for my anger management class.

Writters Block

I have wanted to update my blog for weeks now but have had nothing I think is of any interest to say. Can't say that it's changed any but here goes. My second oldest daughter Shelby just graduated from high school last Friday night. I am so proud of her. She wants to go to college for something in the medical field. Not really sure exactly what yet. We have an appointment with her councelor.

Still waiting to be licensed. I know your shocked right? Still waiting on Shelby's fingerprints and whatever other foolishness they can come up with. Once your info is submitted to DCYF they say that your file should be processed in 72 hours. They have had mine exactly one month today. Hhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Oh well maybe I will have a nice quiet summer.


My husband is out of town for his job for this entire week. So far so good but I do miss him. I have cleaned the house and done all the laundry....what now? It is nasty weather all week here so no swimming in the pool. My BFF and her daughter are coming over to have a Pride and Prejudice movie sleep over later this week. We are idiots and will most definitely act more immature than our 13 and 14 year old daughters. I love that about her. Thank God for a friend that I can be myself with.

iPhone illiterate

I have not sewn anything as of yet. My sister had a procedure done ( all is well with that thank God! ) and I have been helping her out a little so there is my fabulous excuse. However I am determined to do it today. Along with a hundred other things. Wal-Mart is included in that list I am sad to say.

I got myself an iPhone last night. Lets just say that I am less than computer savvy.....and I like it that way. I am going to make myself learn this thing. It is intimidating knowing that my phone is vastly smarter than me. Dang it!

My baby boy is getting so big. My daughter had him in the church nursery and sent me a picture. I need to go and get him for a few days. I miss him. I talked to his grandmother and she said his mom ( he was a foster baby I had for 6 months ) was not doing well with her case plan and dad is incarcerated.....again. In the 10 years I have fostered this is one of the things I have spent countless hours trying to figure out. Why can't they see past their own selfish desires and put their children first? I will probably be an old lady in my rocking chair still wondering the same thing. Is it selfishness, laziness or just dumb as a bag of hammers?

The picture I have posted today is of J and her dad at the American Girl store in NYC. She ( I ) was so excited about picking her doll out that would look just like her. What a dad!! He was really into helping her look at the different outfits and talking over small details with her. I love that about him.

Take my ovaries....please!!

Our case worker emailed me today and said that they have finally submitted our file. ( thought is was already done.) But that FSMO would probably kick it back with more requirements. I let her know that I still have both of my ovaries if she would like to offer those. They are about the only things they have not asked for. SRSLY!!!! I am just enjoying the peace and quiet before the storm of a newborn. If they ask for anything too outrageous.....I. AM. DONE.
Enough said.

Hubby will soon be gone for a week at a time. His new position has him traveling between Arizona (where his aunt is the Governor, Jan Brewer Rocks!! ) and California. While he is gone I will miss him in the day time and wish that I could pull his remaining 3 hairs out of his head at night, when he is not here to help with bath and bed for J. I know....I should cherish bath time and use it to spend time with her. Truth? I hate, and have always hated, giving kids a bath. There I said it. I do spend lots of time ( all but when she is asleep, and sometimes even then ) with her so I don't feel so bad. I'm not sure why it is such a chore to me.

Tomorrow I am going to attempt to sew a pillowcase dress. If I am successful I will post a pic. If not I will not mention it again.......and neither will you. ( hint, hint!! ) I've been wanting to sew something for J. I sewed a lot for my older girls when they were young. They always acted so excited about what I had made them. I want J to feel as special as I think she is. I love that kid!!

I see my hit counter slowly go up but I don't have very many comments. Anybody actually reading this thing or are you taking off as soon as you see my profile pic? Just askin!!